Monday, June 4, 2012

Before the Change...

So a bit of an update. A lot has been going on in my life that has been blogworthy, but I havent had any time to really write about it. I am now a member of 4 different FB groups, 3 different websites, and have found many many new friends who I have been in communication with.

The last few weeks have been tough. DH and I almost split for good, JP is struggling through her last year of public school, and LB is...a toddler. lol.

I have been so busy with my personal development, and keeping up with all my new friends that the blog has taken a back seat for a while.

thats ok. I can accept that.

I'm finding out that I can accept alot of things. I can accept who I am now. I can accept who my children are now, I can accept who DH is now, and we can all work together for a greater understanding of who we are as a Family NOW.

I believe in the power of NOW, Now is such a potent Idea..Its addictive. There is no thing you "should" be doing right now, If you "should" be doing it. You "would" be doing it. I am writing on this blog because that Is what I am doing. And I enjoy it. I accept it. I let the ideas of "dishes" and "productivity" fall away and I do what I enjoy, and I enjoy what I do (yes this includes dishes).

It's amazing. I have my faith back.I have my community of loving and supporting people. I dont "want" for anything. I have no "desire" to "want" for anything.

It's incredible.

and It's incredibly hard to stay here. Its hard to keep my center, and not worry about the fact that the dishes will be done because I will do them, not because I will worry about doing them or not. heh.

seems incredibly simple. Problem is, we live in a world full of " worry for the future" mentality, Worry for your "job" worry for your "children" worry for your "friends" Worry for your "body" worry about everything.

I'm sorry. I'm just not built to run on "worry". I dont reconise this "future" that everyone is so worried about.
If you do the things you need to do, want to do, now. then there is no need to worry about a "future". the future will happen regardless. Best to make the best out of NOW.

and thats it isnt it? thats the secret to everything.

still cant shake the uglyness I was exposed to this morning. It's kinda become a "thing" for me that I can see amazing progress for LB in everything he does, and other folks want to focus so hard on all the things he is "suposed" to do, that they just miss all the wonderful things he is doing NOW. ahh well. It's a shame I suppose. The machine just doesnt know how to let go, It doesnt know when Its job is over, and when its time to do something else. I know that we have achived all we can with his OT , and instead of celebrating his progress, and success, all our OT can focus on is..when is he starting more programs. It kinds makes me a little sick. Its more sad really. Its mostly sad for him. I hope that as we travel this road together that we will be able to find an understanding community that supports and celebrates his accomplishments with him...not move him onto the next program without a blink....I dont work at that level. I dont recognize a "future" or a "box" to stick my son into, or for anyone. What matters is, right NOW, the difficulties we face NOW the accomplishments and progress we make NOW, Who we are, right this very minute.... and I am so tired of being flung into a life surrounded by other people who are trying to make desperate grabs to control the future. I am done with Early Intervention. I am done with the "think of the future" additude. If I spent all my time worrying about his Future, I would miss his whole life. I am so happy to have him in my life, I'm not going to trade it away with worry. I will rise to the challenge of what he needs, Now, what he is, NOW,  and love him. because thats what he needs more then anything....right now... And Right now, he needs a sandwitch so I am going to stop typing and make him a snack. :)

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