full circle

So It's been a while eh? yea,
I haven't had the Urge to blog about anything in a long while. nothing quite "fit". I was so unaware of how nervous, or limiting just having a blog was. "what do I write?" How should I write it?" does it sound ok" what are other people going to think of me If and when I post this? am I posting to much? too little? am I making a difference? is anyone reading this" does it matter if anyone reads this?"

ugh. so I put it up for a long while.

and went off on a journey of self-discovery instead.

And now that I have "lost" my "self" what is left of it..is here, (sometimes) to share a bit of my discovery with you. (whoever you are that is reading this).

what is a story without a listener? without an imaginer? without the pictures in your head that sing and dance with aliveness upon reading an authors tale? what is art without the veiwer? can it even be classified as art if there is no one there to witness it? ahh the questions...all the questions..they will drive you mad..if your seeking answers..you should probably go somewhere else. all I have for now is questions...

and a few insights.

As I said previously I have been on a journey of self discovery. I went deep, pulled away everything expecting to find some sort of ever present light or happyness underneeth it all. Imagine my surprise when it was just floor, just dirt..just nothing...

but wait. dirt isnt nothing..
it's made of thousands of tiny organisms, of plants, of energy...of bacteria, its home for insects and the foundation from which we lay our feet...it's the beginning of everything.

It's all like that. the closer you look at something the more infinate it becomes..

Its enough to make you crazy Drawing spirals on the wall and mumbling to yourself sort of crazy.

that is If your trying to make it "mean" something.

you dont have to make it "mean" anything. you cant. how can you give "meaning" to anything. It already has meaning. Already has a purpose. If It didint It wouldnt exist

wait...this also applies to people. to the soul, to experience, to birds, to rain.
 (HOLY!@#!$ BATMAN)

this applies to EVERYTHING..

Whoa.

ok. so hold on..slow down. don't get excited. you dont have to. yes, this applies to you too.

("yes, but what does it mean basil?") elementary dear Watson!

It doesnt "mean" anything.

It just is.

and that's it. nothing "needs" to be done about it. there is nothing that can be "done about" what is. It just is.

and in the stuff that "IS" is endless, changeless, eternal. for It Always Is. If you can experience it. then it exists.

If you say to yourself.. I am. there is another you saying that to yourself. that just is...

totally pointless really.

but It's the kind of truth that tears apart all illusion and need for illusion..

so yea, If you havent had this understanding before. try feeling your toes. (yes, It's silly, do it anyway), ok, now your legs, then your knees, and so on up to your head, and down to your hands and fingers..feel everything along the way. no need to think, doesnt matter if you do. no weird visualizations..Its just you, where ever you are right at the moment you are reading this.

thats you.
yup, the "thinking" part..the one that is saying "this is silly" that's you too. but thats the "storyteller" the announcer, the one who puts words to things. and even though the Storyteller is always telling you things..Its all exaggerated, Its all part of the authors need to make the story "more interesting" more "exciting" more "dramatic" and more "real" then it is.  Its fiction. the things you tell yourself about yourself are fiction. they are not you.

even without the story. you are still you. even when you tell yourself things..even when you blame others..even when you think you cannot handle change, loss, dispare..

you still exist to feel these things. you still have toes, they still stand on the ground..and beneath the floor, the dirt, ;)  the nothing...