I have a secret,
When I'm happy I feel luminescent. Radiant, and Bright.
I am so full of light that it threatens to explode out of me,
in sound, in movement, in dance, in style, in color, in creative expression.
I feel stunted, dulled, and faded
when I loose my light..I feel lost.
Its kinda like I lost a bit of myself, disguised as my best childhood friend. I knew she was standing there just a second ago. but now I stand here with my hand outstretched, holding nothing.
I catch glimpses of her now and then..
out of the corner of raindrops
in the sides of windows
and on the edge of sound.
She's there, somewhere, just out of sight.
waiting for me.
I used to flash my lights more often then I do now. I used to luminesce and burn, and radiate from my very core, my passions, my interests, my loves. I dont have "likes/dislikes" I only understand "love and hate" and when I "love" something or someone, I do so with my whole being, It's a compulsion, I HAVE TO ..I have to express Love and Joy, and Light..otherwise I feel like 1/2 a person. When I spend too much time, not nurturing my creative side, not expressing myself. (which is complicated enough as it is), and when I am being flooded by negative emotions, thoughts and vibrations, I can feel that Glow dimming...Like a dying glowstick, only good for another hour or two, before being thrown away.
Ive been trying to focus on the power of vunrability. (the blog is part of that). Where I am trying to be as honest to myself, about myself as possible. (This is very hard to do). I have been focusing on all the little positive things, and little miracles that happen throughout the day, instead of the setbacks.
I LOVE COFFEE, I Love music, I love fun colors, Happy people, and Awesome Games. I love the laughter of my children, I love the tiny little blue flowers in the backyard (I think they are forget me nots, but I'm not sure, all I know is they look like you could pick a bunch for a vase in a dollhouse and they would be the perfect size) . I love the sunlight through the trees, I love our neighborhood tabby cat...I love my internet friends..I love rainstorms...
but none of that..was enough..to beat out the negativity this week..
My insecuritities know no bounds..but I guess this is all part of the process of being vulnerable.
I am laid bare to the emotions of the world. I was born this way. Any effort to block it out has met with disaster and failure..so I am doing the only thing that I have never done before...
Not fight it. I'm going to let it in. Let it change me..and try not to fight too much when it does.